


My Big Fat Madoka Wedding

by Thedude3445



Series: The Madoka Series, by Thedude3445 [2]
Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Comedy, Court Cases, Gen, Humor, Mexico, Silly, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-05
Updated: 2013-10-06
Packaged: 2017-12-28 13:10:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/992365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thedude3445/pseuds/Thedude3445
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The bombastic sequel to "Madoka in Mexico". Homura and Madoka are getting married! Sayaka's going to prison! Kyoko... is going to the flea market? I hope you read this story because it's probably pretty funny. I think it's pretty funny. I don't know if you'll laugh but you should. If you click on it at least. Wait, you're already scrolling down? Come on, you're going to click on that sappy Sayaka/Kyoko poem, and you won't even read this? How lame. Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaase?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

 

My Big Fat Madoka Wedding

by Thedude3445

 

“Madoka.”

“Yeah......??????”

“Marry me.”

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. Kyoko spat out her drink, or would have had she actually been drinking something. Which she was. Apple juice to be precise. But now she wondered if it was spiked with vodka.

Madoka's face held a similar reaction. “Whaaaaaat?”

“Yes. Marry me.”

“I....uhhh....I...”

“It is important that you do. For you see, it is key to a successful timeline in which nobody dies and every witch is obliterated.”

“What about Mami,” interjected Kyoko.

Homura continued. “Our wedding will be a magnificent ceremony, and as a result, all witches on the planet will wish to crash the party and will attack at the same time, so as not to let us complete our vows.”

“So like if you two get married,” Kyoko said. “Your magical energies will cause some crazy mega-powerful energy blast that could change the universe and completely overcome entropy? And that is why they will all attack?

“No,” Homura answered. “They just really don't like parties.”

“Wait,” Madoka said. “If all the witches attacked at once... Is this really the wisest idea...?”

“No, it is,” Homura said. “Trust me.” Kyoko was so peeved sometimes at Homura's constant vagueness, but she hadn't been wrong yet. Hopefully this would be no exception.

Sayaka, handcuffed and foot-tied and sitting on her knees began to stir suddenly. Madoka looked at her with an eyebrow raised. Sayaka hopped on her knees and grew a wide smile on her face.

“What is it, Sayaka?” Madoka asked.

“Madoka make me maid of honor make me maid of honor make me maid of honor... I wanna be maid of honor!!” Sayaka hopped a full foot with only her knees, giddy with excitement.

“Uhh, ok. After your trial, of course.”

“Yes!!!” Sayaka beamed with glee. “I can't wait for my conviction!”

“They do have the right to a fair and speedy trial here in Mexico, right?” Kyoko wondered.

“I think so?” Madoka said.

“Well then we can have the trial tomorrow!” Sayaka exclaimed. “This is gonna be awesome!”

“I'll gather the judge and jury and such,” Homura said. “Focus on finding lawyers and we will be set.”

“Hmm.... I know someone good for the prosecution...” Madoka said.

“And I totally got the best lawyer,” Sayaka added. “I'm stoked.” Kyoko wondered if the trial would be as easy and enjoyable as the others did. One could only hope so, at least. Only time would tell... Or, at least the next chapter would tell.

 


	2. Trials and Tribulations

My Big Fat Madoka Wedding - Chapter Two

 

 

Bang! Bang! Bang! “Order in the court!” The judge, a stocky older man with distinct Mayan features, was ready to begin Sayaka's criminal trial.

“The trial of Sayaka Miki shall now proceed,” he boomed.

“I will read the charges,” said the bailiff, the black cop from “The Amanda Show”.

“Eight counts of murder in the first degree, four counts of murder in the second degree, one thousand two hundred and thirty-four counts of murder in the third degree, three counts of extortion, nine counts of bribery, two counts of treason against Japan, one count of espionage for Estonia, nine thousand and one counts of arson, thirty counts of aggravated assault, eight hundred forty-nine counts of aggravated battery, and one count of public indecency.”

“I now present the defendant, Sayaka Miki, and her attorney.” Out stepped Sayaka with another woman, one who looked to be in her early twenties. She seemed to exude confidence, but her crazy-weird hair was very distracting, Kyoko noted.

“I am the defense attorney, Nanoha Takamachi,” the woman stated.

The judge continued. “I now present the plaintiff, humanity, and its attorney.” The white ol’ devil cat muskrat thing, dressed in a schnazzy suit and coat, walked up to the stand.

“I am the offense attorney, Kyubey,” he said. “And I will be arguing the case for Ms. Miki's conviction.” Nanoha and Kyubey eyed each other fiercely, and the competitive spirit between them had an almost tangible spark. This was going to be an intense trial, Kyoko knew. She needed some popcorn, and quick. So she stood up and walked out to the lobby of the courtroom. She went to the concessions bar and slammed a coin down with a loud clang.

“A popcorn, please,” she demanded politely, flashing her fang just in case her assertiveness was too subtle. The cashier handed her a large bag of buttery delight. She took it and went on her way, already a fourth of the way through with eating it all. The minute or two she missed of the trial was just more dumb legal jargon the author couldn't care to research, so she coincidentally returned just in time for the best part; the trial's commencement.

“How do you plead, Ms. Miki?” the judge asked in an explosion of command.

“No...pff...No contest,” she replied, failing to keep a straight face while saying it. She giggled a bit, but coughed to cover it up.

“Alright then,” the judge said in a voice that resonated absolutely. “Lets us begin the trial. Opening statements. Defendant?”

Nanoha cleared her throat. “I represent the Magical Girl Defense Fund; we are a non-profit organization advocating equal rights and fairness to all young girls gifted with supernatural abilities and tasked with fighting evil, intentionally done or inadvertently chosen. Cases like these are depressingly common; a hero being possessed by the evil force against which they fight and doing heinous acts as a result is unfortunate, but happens to many a magical girl on a near-daily basis. Though her crimes were terrible, Ms. Miki was not at fault for what she did. Instead, we should be prosecuting the true fiends, the evils that possessed her in the first place!”

Kyubey's expression remained unchanged even after this strong opening from his opponent. His confidence was just as high as ever in his refute. “Being the creator of the soul gems, I know how they work. Turning into a witch is not being possessed. It is merely an augmentation of the sorrow a magical girl already has. Boom.”

The judge was decidedly powerful in his verdict. “Ah, so it is 100% certain that it was technically her fault. Ms. Miki is found guilty of all charges, then. She is sentenced to death. Bring out the dancing lobsters!” Sayaka was still laughing about the “no contest joke” but most others were weeping openly. Kyoko was balling her eyes out, knowing that she would never again be able to tap--

Suddenly Madoka pointed her finger with an intense passion. “OBJECTION!” The crustaceans subsided. Everyone gasped.

“The biggest fault in this whole procession is that Sayaka cannot be tried at all! I never read her her Miranda Rights!”

“Oh,” the judge said with an explosive fury. “Then she's free to go. Bye.” Sayaka broke free from her chains and hugged Madoka tightly.

“Thank you!” Sayaka yelled. “Thank you for bending the law to suit your every whim! You're the best sheriff ever!” Kyoko was overjoyed that Sayaka was free. Though she did wonder... Were the Miranda Rights even a thing in Mexico...?

“Ah, so now we can move on to the next phase,” Homura said. “Planning for the wedding. The part that matters.”

“Yeah, and we can do it over tea and ramen!” Kyoko added.

And so they would.

 


	3. What a fun time at the teahouse!

Chapter Three

Dressed in traditional kimonos, the servers of the teahouse were brimming with a quiet boldness that impressed Kyoko as she and the three other magical girls entered. Madoka took off her sombrero and placed it on the rack. Homura sat down in a nearby booth, Sayaka and Kyoko followed close behind. One of the kimono waitresses waved peacefully as a silent greeting, and Madoka waved back just as excitedly as always. They exchanged bows as Homura scooted over to make room for her fiance.

The server eyed the blinding rainbow that was these patrons  and their diverse hair colors, then turned and briskly walked off. Kyoko raised an eyebrow. Madoka noticed her and winked.

“Don't worry, Kyoko,” Madoka said. “This teahouse is special in that the servers take one look at you and order for you based on what they think you'd want. It's astonishingly accurate 78% of the time.*” Mdoka giggled adorably, and Kyoko blushed as she watched her smile brighten. It- Wait.

“Wait. What's with the asterisk?” Kyoko asked.

Madoka's smile disappeared, and she groaned loudly. “...Based on a Gallup poll conducted over the course of August 4th and September 8th, 2013, using the results of 2983 respondents between the ages of 11 and 97. Pollers were contacted by phone using random selection from the complete reservation history of the restaurant, taking out multiples of the same customer or customers confirmed to be deceased. Of the over 5000 called, 2017 either did not respond or refused to answer the survey questions. Of those that did... …..Do I really have to tell you the whole asterisk??” She was completely out of breath at this point.

Kyoko was.. Well, she didn't know. She simply nodded. “Uh, yeah. I got it. 78%. Lots of poll stuff.”

“(Plus or minus three percentage points.)”

Sayaka, who had been staring off into space for the past several minutes with no indication of real thought, slammed her fist into the table with no warning, her eyes coming into complete focus, just like the moment of clarity for any decent Victorian-era novel protagonist.

“Madoka!” she shouted with shocking ferocity. “Remember that one Hitomi chick who used to hang with us? What happened to her?”

“...Who?”

At this, Sayaka suddenly lost her train of thought. She spotted noticed the server returning, carrying a tray of multicolored food and drink items, and began staring once again. Madoka looked at Homura and Kyoko and shrugged.

“Here is your food.” The maid set the tray on their table and bowed. “Arigatou, ikimasu wa genki.” This nonsensical Japanese reminded Kyoko that they were in Mexico and this teahouse here was actually completely out of place. She ignored this fact immediately afterwards, and never thought about it again.

Kyoko got what was apparently a “Chocolate Ramen Smoothie.” It certainly LOOKED edible, but the name didn't inspire much confidence in that regard... Even so, she chowed down on her meal, looking like a feral hyena compared to the others. Madoka nibbled on her candy-colored burrito, Sayaka sipped on her salad stew soda, and Homura took the occasional crunch of her pantsu panini. Yeah... it was pretty good. Actually, really good. Fantastic, even. Like all the greatest foods in the universe, combined into one delicious... combo. Damn, it felt good to be part of the 78%. Could make an awesome T-shirt out of that, you know... Occupy Maid Cafe, and all that...

“So,” Homura said, still less than halfway through with her food.

“So,” said Madoka.

“So,” said Sayaka, who was probably only saying this to defy the Rule of Three.

“So, um,” Kyoko said before it got out of hand. “Are we actually going to discuss the wedding here today? Because these reservations were not exactly cheap, and-”

“Probably not,” Homura interrupted, like usual. “We will do it offscreen so as not to spoil the surprise. Anyway, this chapter feels like it is about to end soon, so we couldn't anyway.”

“How soon?” Kyoko asked.

 


	4. Friggin Hannibal Lecter

 Chapter Four

It was now just two days before the wedding. Kyoko sat on a couch, bored watching TV. She was the only resident in her entire fort, so when there were no guests, it was very dull. Nothing really was on the TV this afternoon, and it was too early to go to bed. It's too bad Kyoko couldn't make it to any of the bridesmaid activities with Sayaka and Kyosuke and all the others; the hijinks that were taking place out there were probably baffling yet hilarious. The fat girl probably had all the best lines though, so Kyoko would have been severely outshined.

Silence of the Lambs was the movie on her small television screen currently. Right now it was at that hilarious part with the girl and the guy saying the cooky stuff about the lotion and hose and all that jazz. She burst out laughing. Oh, what a comedic genius the writer of this movie was. But... Kyoko had seen it a million times, so she flipped the channel, hoping to find something new instead.

Oh, look, it was... Hannibal. That new show. Ugh, it sucked. What about the hunky Anthony Hopkins? Nope, nowhere to be seen. Just a dorky way-too-serious show that completely destroys the humor of the original. Like the Teen Wolf show. Just... No. Don't ever let Kyoko get started on these types of shows. She can go on for pages about them. Oh wait, she already was getting started on them.

Luckily for the entire reading audience, another figure appeared in the room, almost out of nowhere. Just like Kyubey would... Except... OH NO! IT WAS- Yeah it was Kyubey. Seriously, who did you even expect?

“Why, Kyubey?” Kyoko asked. “I'm just trying to suppress my emotions by watching mundane visual entertainment... Barging in like this is way past lame.”

Kyubey blinked. That was rare. “Can a decent incubator not just drop by to say hello to one of his magical girl employees without being called out on it?”

“No, because you totally have an ulterior motive.”

“Hmm...” Kyubey paced a little before turning back to face her. “Not really. I just wanted to check up on you, see how you were getting along. I haven't spoken to you since--”

“Since the incident, yes I know. I'm doing fine here in Mexico, thank you very much. I like having a whole big fort to myself, nobody to bother me because the nearest settlement is eleven miles away...”

“Well, that's all good, but there is something I would like to ask.”

Kyoko rolled her eyes. “Of course there is.”

“Oh no, it's a simple question.”

“Then ask it already.”

The little demon cat stared intently into her eyes now. “Do you really think Homura's plan is going to work?”

“Um, well...”

“Her vagueness, the ridiculousness of her scheme... It's just far-fetched enough that it could hypothetically work, but you know you have some serious doubts about it. Which is certainly reasonable.”

“Well yeah, Homura isn't exactly the most forthcoming person in the world. Actually, she might be the least forthcoming person in the world. Let me look that up.” Kyoko pulled out her smartphone and googled it. “Looks like number one's still Gendo Ikari. But she's in the top five, okay. I still trust her.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Well, I-”

“Listen, Kyoko,” Kyubey blinked again. Now he turned around and stared out the window which provided a scenic view of miles of barren desert. His reflection still stared at her. “I'm here to convince you to abandon this foolish plan, for your own sake and the sake of everyone else.”

“Sake? I'm not legally allowed to drink, Kyubey. I don't want to get in trouble.”

“It's always about food with you, girl, isn't it?”

“That was a drink I was talking about, not food.”

Kyubey ignored her smartassyness, and blinked again. “One day you're going to grow up to be a beautiful witch and the energy you will provide to the universe will be very helpful. That day you will understand why Homura's wedding can't happen.”

“You know I'm not going to listen to you, despite any amount of truth you are giving me. Why bother?”

“Because this is the approximate midpoint of the plot, and you have to be reaffirmed of the main conflict as I do a “Last Temptation” thing since you are the protagonist of the story.”

“Wait, I'm the protagonist????”

“More or less. The point of view character, at least. If I did this to anyone else the readers wouldn't be able to see it solely on the basis of you not being there.”

“What if I was there?”

“Then I couldn't do the “Last Temptation” thing! It doesn't work that way, Ms. Sakura.”

“Fine.”

“Thank you.”

“So.. This is the midpoint of the plot, huh. Does that mean there's going to be seven chapters?”

“Pretty much.”

“So next chapter is the converging of all the subplots so that its conclusion can play into the climax, aka Chapter 6, which will be the final wrap-up of all the steamy romance and hard boiled action you’d expect from this series, and will probably have a really cool fight scene. Then it's all over in Chapter 7 and there's a happy ending that makes us all laugh.”

“Yep, unless there's a dramatic twist during Chapter 6 that alters our perspective on the whole story and makes what we thought was the climax actually merely the 2/3 point. What a surprise that would be.”

“Oh thanks for the spoilers. Now I'm triggered.”

“Sorry, I'll tag it next time. #spoilers”

“Thanks.”

“Snape killed Dumbledore. #spoilers”

“Dammit Kyubey I was only on Goblet of Fire.”

“Kyoko, it's not even funny to make these kinds of jokes anymore. The movie series ended over two years ago, so nobody even has an excuse for not finishing anymore.”

“You still triggered me.”

Kyubey blinked. It wasn't very rare anymore, apparently. “I tagged it, though.”

“Go away, cat ferret monster.” And so he did. Kyoko looked back at the TV and saw Hannibal Lecter eating some guy's brain. Hahahahaha, oh Hannibal. For some reason, she really craved chicken now.

 


	5. Bachelorette Party

Chapter Five

 

Sayaka spun the bottle with a power unheard of in a game this relaxed. It whipped around like a helicopter blade, singeing the carpet and blowing wind in Kyoko's face. Why, if she weren't so happy eating all these Doritos™, she would be mighty irked at Sayaka here... She still threw a chip at her face for good measure.

“Ow, why even,” Sayaka groaned. “There's no rules against spinning the bottle really hard.”

“I don't care.” She threw another chip and Sayaka punched her arm. They looked back at the bottle as it slowed and slowed and slowed, landing right on Homura. Her expression remained unchanged. Kind of like Kyubey…….

“So it's me, huh,” Homura said. “What a surprise.” There's no way she didn't use her time powers to manipulate the bottle.

“So... truth or dare!!!!!” Sayaka shouted, so loudly that it burst Kyoko's eardrums. Figuratively, of course. If her eardrums really did burst, you wouldn't be able to know what was being said, so it's a good thing that..... oh, that's what that ringing sound was. It cleared a few moments later, just after Homura revealed her saucy secrets.

“Spin it!” Madoka cheered this time. Homura met her eyes, stared for one moment, put her hand on the bottle, and turned it clockwise slightly. It now pointed straight at Madoka. The pink-headed girl looked at her fiance with perplexity.

“Um sweetie, that's not... how it... works.”

Homura ignored her statement. “Do you love me?” she asked.

Madoka's face went pale. “Ah...ih....uh....eh...”

“Oh. You forgot oh.”

“I wasn't reciting my vowels!” Madoka shrieked. Tears began streaming down her face, which while now dripping with saltwater had at least gained its color back. Kyoko always tried to be optimistic. “Homura, why do you have to ask questions like this!”

“I...I just wanted to know.” That emotionless look on her face APPEARED to be kept, but Kyoko could tell there was a subtle difference from her usual self. Madoka noticed it too, as she tried to stop crying a little (to no avail, because if we know anything about Sheriff Kaname it's that she is the Mistress of Crying).

“It's just... That's the thing I've been asking myself all these sleepless nights, scared to death about my own future, about getting married and spending the rest of my life with you. It's a big decision! I know it's important, but… but...” she buried her head in her knees.

“I understand.” Homura regained her composureless composure. (De-gained?) There was a beat panel, not even in the appropriate spot. “Spin the bottle Madoka. That is what you're supposed to do now.” She looked at Madoka, who was quietly sobbing to herself, then picked up the bottle and stood it upright. “I apologize.” She stood up herself, bowed, and walked out the door. A few seconds later, Madoka realized she was going and did the same, leaving a tangible silence in the room.

“Shit just got real,” Sayaka murmured.

“You're paying for new carpet, y'know,” Kyoko told her as she eyed the scorching hole made from her bottle spin.

“Dang, my heart was pounding from all the tension in this scene,” Kyosuke said, making  Kyoko realize there was a fifth person at the party. However Sayaka didn't bat an eyelash.

“C'mon, Kyosuke,” she said. “Let's go and make out or something.” They left, presumably to go make out or something, and Kyoko was again alone in her fort. She flipped on the TV and took another handful of Doritos™. The Walking Dead was on; now THAT was a good show. Pffffft..... Three guys just got shot! And now THEY'RE zombies! Then the slow stuff started. Kyoko passed out within eight minutes.

 


	6. Chapter Six Chapter One - Wedding Presents

 

 

 Chapter Six - Chapter One

_My name is Kyoko Sakura, and for the past year, I've been having the same dream every single night. In my sleep, I work as a waitress or something, I guess in some otaku restaurant because sometimes I'm a French maid and other times a catgirl and sometimes I’m cosplaying as Chun-Li or Morrigan or someone like that. It's really weird and whatever anime equivalent to Freud there is would have a field day with me. You'd think I'd just have food dreams, but nope, I have these oddities._

_So I go around in my cute dress, acting like a total ditz for the 30-year old men pretending to eat really slowly as they stare soullessly at me. It's so creepy, but at least they tip well. Who am I kidding Japanese people don't tip. This goes on for a long while though. At least until....He appears._

_“Hey girl.” It's this middle aged fat dude, complete with unwashed hair, a shirt a size too small, and a body pillow perpetually in his arms. He shows up every single night without fail, and unlike all the other boys, he wants my number (rather than just looking at me), so he can call me (maybe). To put it quite simply, I'm not as pleased at my situation at moments such as these due to this man's making me uncomfortable in various ways such as the example I previously stated, and it does not improve my dreams by any significant amount, in fact doing the opposite._

_“Yo,” I always say, both in an attempt to show off my steaming hot swagger and to get him to not respond out of embarrassment for trying to interact with someone of such a high caliber of swagger compared to his own. Doesn't work._

_“Please me greatly, my loli lovely,” he mumbles like a drunk commenter on Danbooru at 3 AM._

_“Um no.” I throw food at him until he goes away. And then I wake up. Like I said, I don't understand this dream in the slightest, but it happens every night, so it's gotta be relevant somehow, right? This can't be just a parody for the sake of it. I mean really, come on. It's important. Surely. Trust me._

 

WEDDING DAY

T-MINUS 05:27

 

Mmm... The farmer's market had a special aroma. It smelled of dirt and mulch and all the good stuff from back in the good old days on the prairie. It was a granola girl's grandest goal, to go here. Shopping for all the freshest deals and freshest food... Speaking of crunchy things, Kyoko craved some granola bars. She wandered around the market, for a while, but there was nary a stick of grainy goodness to be found. This sucks, she thought, ready to end her own life at the expense of a lack of food. Not really.

This whole trip Kyoko had only stolen a dozen or so fruit. Was she going soft in her old age? (No, because she was like fourteen.) Maybe her stealing senses were weakened due to her crippling love.. for... Anyway, it didn't seem that there were any granola bars, which was totally lame. At least this farmer's market was a good place to buy Madoka and Homura a last-minute wedding gift. Or it wasn't, but that wasn't going to stop her from doing it anyway.

Madoka already had a kickin' sombrero, so the hat stand was out of the question, though that red one was awfully cute..-- No Kyoko, think about the presents, not yourself! Hm. Would she look good in a poncho? Okay, nobody looks good in a poncho. There were a couple taco stands; no gifts to buy there. Wow, Mexico was just filled to the brim with nothing but stereotypes, or something. Kyoko wondered why. She then passed a sketchy watch vendor. She noted the gigantic clock necklace up for sale, and the dark skin of said vendor. Ah, so that's what he's doing nowadays.

The more and more she looked through this farmer's market, the more and more it seemed to turn into a flea market. Kyoko chalked it up to the author's lack of creativity. _I mean, why can't I just buy them some fresh food??_ She thought, though this thought was directed towards the author herself. It's because you'd steal it all at the wedding, Kyoko. _Yeah, you're probably right,_ she thought in reply.

Finally, Kyoko came upon a simple stand displaying a few jars of honey shaped like bears. Hmm, honey sounded good. Good like eatin' good. In fact-- Good, like stealin' good. Nobody was there at the stand, so nobody would miss it. She swiped the bear and turned around, poised to make her waltz away--

“MARISA STOLE THE PRECIOUS THING!” An orange blur whizzed by and karate-chopped the bear from Kyoko's hands. The blur was gone before the bear even hit the ground. What the flip? She glanced around, but nobody was there. Still somewhat afraid of whatever the crap that was, she stood in place for a moment, but nobody ever showed up. Kyoko shrugged and bent over to pick the bear up off the dirt. “Never waste food~” Kyoko sang to herself. “Or Sakura'll murder your ass!~” It was a good song. She wrote it herself, did you know that?

As soon as her fingers touched the fallen honey, she heard a “HIYA!” and another karate chop hit her arm. Ouch! What was that all about? She was just gonna put it back! (The previous statement is a gross fabrication of the truth.) Now Kyoko had to get revenge. Using her super-fast magical girl reflexes, the next time the blur appeared, she made a grab for it. She caught its skinny little hand and slammed it onto the ground. Then she flung it into the honey stand with a mighty crash. The whole thing tumbled apart, and bears of honey rolled all over the surrounding grass and dirt. This triumph deserved an awesome fist-pump. Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

As the dust settled from the stand falling apart, Kyoko discovered just who her foe actually was-- the orange blur belong to none other than Don Patch, everyone's favorite sun dude!

  


His eyes were still in a humorous spinning spiral, but he was still able to murmur something. “No Marisa...Not the... No steal... You can't do...” He abruptly came into full consciousness (reminiscent of Sayaka, for some reason) and hopped onto his feet, posing in a defensive formation.

“Relax, bub,” Kyoko said in her best Hugh Jackman impersonation. “I'm not Marisa. Though at this point I wouldn't be surprised if she showed up and this became a [Beyond Nova Touhou](../../669290) crossover.”

“No, you are!” he retorted. “Marisa steals things, and you steal things. Therefore you are Marisa!” His logic was infallible.

“Okay, I call foul. This is the first chapter I have stolen anything in either of these damned fan fictions. That does not make me a kleptomaniac. Just a jerk.”

“Hmm...” Don Patch contemplated for a moment. “It's almost as if one of your primary character traits was forgotten and only now brought up because it's convenient for plot and jokes...”

“Yeah,” she said. A citrus fruit appeared out of thin air and fell into her hand. She held it out to him. “Orange you convinced now?”

“No... No I understand! You're actually Marisa in disguise!!” he lunged at her, but she side-stepped and he flew into the booth behind him, wrecking all the Vividred Operation merchandise on display. Good riddance.

As he got up and staggered back over, he mumbled, “I guessyouaren't Marisa sorry...” He was still in a daze from the first crash, so this next one only added to what was probably a severe concussion. “Just uh takeallmystuff thenIguess...”

“Ah man I can't do that now,” Kyoko told him. “I can't friggin' steal from THE Don Patch!”

“Aww, how flattering,” he said, now seemingly completely fine. Maybe compliments from magical girls were a secret power that could heal people... Kyoko took note of this, so she could remember to test it later.

“And I'm really sorry about the shack,” she said. She thought the orange blur was like, Aquaman or someone. Though Aquaman probably only has super speed in the water. Unless... unless he's so fast underwater that he can use viscosity to carry the water with him onto the land so that the land acts as the same medium as water to him! #waterbasedphysicsjokes

“S'okay, sister. I can rebuild it faster than Shinji can--”

“Don't finish that.” This fic was strictly KA-Rated, and Kyoko wouldn't stand for its rating to be any damn higher than that. (This statement is an untruth of great proportions.)

“Don't have to.” Wow, he already finished fixing the whole stand. What an accurate comparison after all. “Now, what would'ja like to buy?”

“Uh, honey.”

“Which kind?” Don patch gestured his hand over the rows and rows of this admittedly larger-than-expected assortment of different bears of honey. They came in all sorts of sizes, and more brands than Kyoko thought possible. She didn't even know there were that many beekeepers in Mexico, let alone honey distributors.

“What's... the difference in all these brands?” she asked.

“No difference. It’s all just honey.”

“Then how much are they?”

Don Patch gave a Tommy Lee Jones-style implied facepalm. “Sister, I'm asking you what size you want. We got cubs, and we got mama bears, and we got papa bears, and we even got grizzly bears for all you ultra-savers out there.”

“How much is in... a mama bear?”

“1.37 bears,” he answered simply.

“I, what.”

“The bear is the SI unit of measurement for honey. It follows the same prefix patterns as all other measurements, but nobody would buy anything like a millibear or kilobear of honey, so marketers just make their own silly terms up to confuse customers into buying worse deals.” At least he was honest.

“Uh...  What about a decabear?”

“I... Well then.” Don Patch reached under the stand and opened a secret compartment, pulling out the biggest friggin' bear of honey in the world. (Once again, the previous statement is factually inaccurate; the biggest bear of honey in the world is actually six megabears large, made in New Brunswick in 1999. It beat the previous world record-holder by a whopping 6700 hectobears.)

“Here you go. It's my only one. It's a secret to everybody, except for you now.” Wait. This was an adequate wedding gift, Kyoko realized. Score. “That'll be fifty-two dollars, please.”

“You mean pesos, right? Fifty-two pesos?”

“Nope. This is a decabear of honey, sister. Shit's like gold. Pay up!”

“But I don't have any US Dollars. We live in Mexico, Don Patch.” Suddenly his name made sense in the context of the setting, so it wasn't just an obscure anime reference anymore. “You're lucky I've lived here long enough to even have pesos; if you tried this on any of the other magical girls, they'd probably hand you yen notes.”

“Fine fine,” Don Patch grumbled, arms crossed. “Just give me your stupid pesos.” Kyoko handed over the money, but she couldn't help but feel a little guilty about this exchange for some reason. No idea why, though.

“Arigatou,” Kyoko bowed and took the gigantic bear. She could barely hold it in her hands, it was so huge. Luckily she was a magical girl and thus has super augmented strength powers or whatever. Hmm... This bear actually had a pretty cute design. Looked almost like a tiny person. She thought for a moment and decided. She would name it... Mini-her. Nah, just kidding. What a terribly outdated reference that would have been. Good thing she didn't make it.

“Come again,” he said. “Or not, I don't care.” As she began to walk away, a sudden thought popped into her mind like an anorexic teen giving birth.

“Wait. Are you gonna be at the Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo anime's Tenth Anniversary Cast Reunion in November?”

“Of course I am. That's the only kind of gig I can get anymore,” Don Patch said in the disgruntled tone of a washed-up Star Trek actor. His eyes narrowed and he smirked. “Are you?”

“Crap, how did you even--”

“I knew you seemed familiar. Well, thanks for stopping by. See you soon.”

Kyoko hurried away. She was so glad nobody else was around. Whew, that was a close one. Now to get this bear to the wedding!

 


	7. Chapter Six Chapter Two - Boooooooooored

My Big Fat Madoka Wedding – Chapter Six - Chapter Two

WEDDING DAY – T-MINUS 4:13

 

What serenity there was in this small ocean pond. Time was but the stream Kyoko was going a-fishing in. She drank at it; but while she drank she could see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it was. Its thin current slid away, but eternity remained. Yes, Kyoko loved the transient peace that was one moment in her life, enough to savor but not to satiate... NOT!

Damn it was boring looking at this pond. As hard as she tried to discover some sort of spirituality to nature and all that, Kyoko found absolutely nothing of value. Right now she was just using it to kill an hour or so before she headed to the wedding.

After she left the flea market farmer's market, she stashed the decabear honey container in her car (okay, not exactly HER car-- she stole it-- but it's hers now) and then went to pick up her dress from the.... dress store? Wherever girls usually pick up fancy dresses that they rent. (Do girls even rent clothes or is that just guys with their tuxedos? Kyoko had no idea, though due in no part to her OWN ignorance... cough.) She almost, ALMOST got a stylin' tux. However, right at the last second she came to her senses and switched it for a more feminine attire. Didn't want to look like too much of a lesbian after all, or at least more than she already was. Which was a lot. Come to think of it her dress was full plaid. Yeah, that suit would have been way snazzier. Should have gone with that.

There were a few ducks at the pond today. Most of them were minding their own business, waddling around the place and quacking incessantly. A few of them were huddled around Kyoko, hoping for food. Little did they know she didn't share food, not since Sayaka refused that apple that one time and broke her foodheart forever. Two ducks were chasing each other around for some reason. Not for some food-related reason, since there was none, and apparently not a girl stealing reason. She had no idea. It was just super freky ok?

She then spotted a mother duck and her tiny little chick. And when she said tiny, she meant smaller than a single peep. The candy peep. That thing had to have been a runt, and a pygmy one at that. And yet, the little guy followed his mom wherever she went. If she swam, he swam. If she ate, he would wait patiently for leftovers. When she went to sleep, it was bedtime for him too. Kyoko first thought this meant that the chick was just that courageous, but she realized she had it backwards; it was actually the mother doing the following. She swam to teach him how. She gave her son food because otherwise the other ducks would steal it all from him. She slept when he was tired to be close to him and protect him.

This reminded Kyoko of Homura. She was the one who always acted as the leader, who always knew what was really going on. There was no telling how many times she had to reset the timeline to save them all... Well, maybe not all of them. More like just Madoka. But it seemed Homura always needed Sayaka and her to fight these dangerous battles that she could not win alone. Like when they took down Walpurgisnacht? There's no way they would have accomplished that if they all five didn't work together. Wait a minute---five? Kyoko counted on her fingers. One, two three, four... Okay, only four. She was just getting ahead of herself was all.

While Kyoko reminisced, she decided to go ahead and stop suppressing her memories of the incident that got her banished to Mexico. It all happened when-- Wait. Why Mexico of all places, anyway? Usually banishment meant the offenders were sent to remote, desolate corners of the globe like Tibet or Siberia or the Gobi Desert or Canada, but Mexico was a decently industrialized country. Kyoko could take a bus and get as far north as the US, or as far south as Guatemala, all by day's end. She was miles away from the city, but it was by no means isolated. Something was awry. Something... Oh no. All the pieces of the puzzle fit together in Kyoko's mind. All the incredibly unsubtle foreshadowing became clear. Kyoko sprinted and slided into her car almost exactly like her idol Luke Duke would have done (Goodnight, Sweet Prince 1951-2012) and took off, running over a few of the ducks she was watching in the process. Her foot stamped onto the gas pedal and she raced for Madoka and Homura's wedding. She only hoped that it would not be too late.

 


	8. Chapter Six Chapter Three - Traffic Ugh

Chapter Six - Chapter Three

 

Agggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

Traffic............

This was awful...........

Kyoko banged her head against the steering wheel seven times. Her horn honked each time, but it didn't really matter. This was the kind of traffic where people were getting out of cars to shoot each other; her car was far from the only one blaring. This was the absolute worst thing that could have possibly happened after that huge cliffhanger last chapter.

Apparently there was a bad accident a little ways up the road. A big pileup-- a couple people died already, with a ton of injuries too. How inconsiderate! Couldn't those jerks go find another road to wreck on other than the one Kyoko had to use? She started punching the horn out of sheer frustration. “Why!”--Punch--”Can't!”--Punch--”I!”--Punch--”Just!”--Punch--”Fly!”--Punch. Kyoko's crippling insecurities about her lack of flight capabilities were revealed in this moment, changing our perspective of her forever.

“Just...” Kyoko looked at the camera showing us her every action and punched the lens out. Everything went dark. “Go to the next chapter already. Skip this gosh-darned bull donkey.” Can't do that just yet, Kyoko. You of all people should understand this. Chapters in a series have to exponentially increase in wordcount or it will not be a good story.

“No plot will advance this way! Just do it.”

No.

“Fuck you.”

That's an expletive, all right. There goes our T Rating. Y'know, you're a sassy little lass, but I'll let you pass. Or, more accurately, the author will. I'm just the narrator, but... A gig's a gig.

“So this meaningless filler chapter will finally end, and next scene I'll be at the wedding?”

Pffffft. You're funny, Ms. Sakura.

“What do you mean by that?!”

 


	9. Chapter Six Chapter Four - Wait, Who?

 

Chapter Six– Chapter Four

 

 

WEDDING DAY

T-MINUS 1:49

 

Madoka sat in front of a cabinet mirror, brushing her hair. It had been so long since she had just let her hair down like this; she was worried it wouldn't look very good, so she was trying extra-hard to make it as pristine as she could. Hopefully Homura would give back the ribbons after the end of the ceremony; she liked them an awful lot, and had no idea why she wanted them in the first place.

Now she began to wonder about Kyoko. The wedding was in an hour and a half and she still wasn't here, and certainly not here as the point-of-view character. Kyoko had been acting very strangely ever since Madoka found her that fateful day, so long ago. Okay only three weeks, but it felt like so much longer.

Madoka thought deeply about that girl. Her beautiful flame-colored hair—she'd never seen it let down before, now that she thought about it; maybe she would do that for the wedding--, her passion for life that burned brighter than the sun, her fiery magic that could best just about any foe, besides water magic users, her blazing hot a--,er lance-nunchuck thing, and the undying ember that was her eating disorder. All these things combined to create the girl who, while not perfect, was someone Madoka adored so, so much. Completely platonically, of course, she noted as Homura appeared suddenly before her.

“Madoka,” she said, that same nonexistent expression still dominating her face.

“Why are you in here?!” Madoka shrieked in panic and threw a pillow at her, which she caught with ease and laid back on the sofa from which it came. Probably time-froze to do it.

“I wanted to see you.” While that sounded creepy, it was at least a genuine, non-cryptic statement, which from Homura was rarer than a working copy of Super Mario World for the NES. (AUTHOR'S NOTE: What the hell kind of reference was that? Please cut this out while proofreading. Make a joke about Sayaka or something. People love those.)

“The groom is not supposed to see the bride before the wedding! It's back luck!”

Homura blinked. “But I'm a bride too.”

“Well, you're the man in the relationship, kinda...”The ~~author~~ Madoka tried to backtrack on this statement as quickly as ~~the author~~ she could so as not to upset ~~her~~ the readers. “Not the 'man', I mean. I mean like, uh, the more dominant of the couple? The uzi or the semen or whatever the hell weaboos call it?”

Homura stood silently for a moment, then finally spoke. “Check your lesbian privileges.”

“I-”

“Just check them.”

Madoka quickly changed the subject back. “Um... anyway, it's still very bad luck for you to be in here!”

“I don't need luck. I have time travel.” Wow, that's the kind of quote that would work really well on a T-shirt! If only there were some funding source, something that could “kick” this into motion, to “start” such a shirt printing project... Oh well.

“Homu Homu... Can you please just leave me be for a bit? I'm not ready yet and I don't like you eyeing me the way you are doing now until after the wedding...”

“Too late for that, baby,” Homura replied in the most monotone, unseductive voice possible.

“Please... I just want to fix my hair...” Madoka resisted the urge to cry, lest that become too much of an overused joke.

“Madoka,” Homura said. “Your makeup is running.” Shit. Homura put her finger on Madoka's face and wiped the tears off her cheek, in an awkward attempt for a soft romantic moment.

“Sniff... Now I have to redo all that too!”

“Well, I will leave then. But you must make sure you are ready for the wedding in time, okay?” She turned around, did a hairflip, and promptly exited the room. Madoka exhaled. Just a few more hours and it would all be over. She repeated this to herself to calm her nerves. It was just the rest of her life in front of her. No big deal.

After going through her hair a dozen more times and reapplying all that foundation and mascara, she was almost ready. Madoka pulled out her bright red lipstick and marked it all on. She winked at herself and giggled a little. Hopefully this wasn't too flashy.

Okay, how was it? She stood up from her chair and got the first look of herself in complete wedding attire. Wow, she actually looked pretty good. But something was missing.... Ah. She pulled her sheriff star out of the drawer and pinned it to her chest. Now she looked perfect.

Just in time for the wedding!

 


	10. Chapter Six Chapter Five - The Wedding

Chapter Six - Chapter Five

WEDDING DAY

T-MINUS 1:34

 

Just in time for the wedding!

Kyoko slammed her shoulder into the door to the... Oh, this was somebody's house. Crap. Sorry, uhm. She stepped out and shut the door quietly. It was 1138 Forest Drive, not 1337, where the wedding was being held. This situation was a little too dire for Kyoko to be lollygagging and mixing up addresses, so she was understandably embarrassed at doing exactly that.

Actually, she realized when she reached her true destination, there was no room to burst into at all; the wedding was outside, along one of the million canals in Xochimilco. It was one of Kyoko's more favorite parts of Mexico City, so she was giddy that Madoka and Homura picked here as the location. Amassed in the canal behind the site of the wedding was a bunch of funny-looking trajineras, which were weird colorful gondolas that were all over the place in Xochimilco. Kyoko could only assume they were going to be used for silly post-ceremony games like extreme water polo, and Real-Life Battleship. Ah, Mexico, what a strange place you are compared to the conventional mundane customs of dear old Japan.

Speaking of Japan WOW look at all these guests in such a small space. Must have been two or three hundred.  There was Totoro, who used to be Kyoko's neighbor. Kyoko waved but she received nothing in return. Sigh, every time they hit the big leagues it's always the same. Every single Pretty Cure was there, or at least she assumed since they all looked the same. Hi, red one. And hi, other red one. And hi, all fifty blueish purple ones. The original two, Nagisa and Honoka, were still recognizable from the rest, though they were much older now; they were married about a decade ago and had four kids. They were chatting with fellow couple Nanoha and Fate, who were married about the same time but were never able to overcome that tricky problem of same-sex reproduction, so they only had that one adopted brat Vivo. Those four looked like they had some good times back in the day, the way they were catching up. As they spoke, Sakura and Syaoran, the only heterosexual couple in magical girl history, came up and joined in as well. That card capturing chick was always such a stuck up little... Hey, look... Hey! That was Mami To- Oh, that was only CREAMY Mami. Ugh. And looks like the Sailors were “too important” to show up once again (don't ask about the previous times). The Fantastic Four were here, though only the version from the 2005 movie, and so was John Madden. Wait. Next to those Rayearth chicks.... Was that... No way. It was Tommy! No, not Wiseau; the one from the Power Rangers! That long, flowing ponytail... so dreamy. Kyoko was utterly captivated by his luscious hair, going into a state of complete trance.

“You ogling him too?” Kyoko jumped. She turned around to find Sayaka leaning against the refreshments table, sipping her punch and giving a naughty stare off into the mid-distance.

“Y-yeah, of course I am. Who wouldn't, huh? Kyoko folded her arms.

“A lesbian wouldn't,” she snickered. Kyoko's face turned red, but she wasn't sure if it was from embarrassment or anger. “You were totally just looking at his hair.”

“Totally not. I'm as straight as you.”

“Lol.” Yes, she actually said that out loud. “You're wearing a plaid dress, dude.”

“Oh yeah? And you're wearing... a perfectly normal dress! Bam!”

“And you and I both know how straight I am, anyway....” She raised her foot and tapped Kyoko's ankle repeatedly. Kyoko had half a mind to pull out her lance-nunchuck thing and slice the little pest in two. Her other half was inclined for her to pull out her lance-nunchuck thing and stab her in the chest 23 times. “'Course, if you don't remember, I can def-- Ow!” Nah, a punch in the face worked well enough.

“Listen here bub,” Kyoko said in her best Cal Dodd impersonation. “You tell me where Madoka is or the only way anybody'll know your sexuality is from your autopsy report!” Kyoko grabbed a cheese cube off the refreshments table and chomped it for the extra intimidation factor.

“Wha.... Huh? That doesn't even make sense.”

“Eh, I tried.” She ate six more cheese cubes in one bite. Mmm, these were pretty good. “Sorry, my dialogue is being guest-written this chapter by Rob Liefeld.” She put Sayaka down and turned around, continuing to search with her eyes for any major source of pink hair. Well, besides all twenty pink-haired Cures.

“Why are you looking for her?” Sayaka asked. She began to start wobbling a little for some reason.

Kyoko munched on the entire bowl of crackers. “Gotta tell her something important. Super important.”

“Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England....” Sayaka tripped over thin air and crashed onto the ground. Now she got dirt all over her dress! What were they gonna do with her...

“Sayaka, why are you drunk at a wedding.”

“Y'know, I really think the humor went downhill in this story after chapter 3. You know what I'm saying?” Yep, completely drunk.

“Sayaka. Stop being intoxicated this instant and tell me where Madoka is. You have been absolutely useless thus far but it's of vital importance. Super vital.”

“Calm down,” Sayaka said. She hopped back onto her feet and poured a glass of punch, handing it to Kyoko. “She'll be here any minute, don't worry. The wedding stuff can't all happen without her, y'know?”

“No! It can't wait that long! It's about--” Kyoko looked down at her cup and realized she had already drunk the entire thing, in between breaths while talking. That's gotta be a record or something. “Can I...?”

“Yeah.” Sayaka refilled it and handed it back. “Kyoko, it's okay bro. It's not a life or death situation, is it?” She took the cup and refilled it again, since Kyoko had already inhaled it.

“Well...” Wait, WAS it a life or death situation? She.. She couldn't remember. Ugh, why was it so hard to recall...

“By the way,” Sayaka grinned. “Totally spiked the punch. You like?” Sayaka's form wobbled back and forth like an amoeba. If Kyoko could move her limbs anymore she would sock her right in the... right in the... Why was everything getting so blurry?

“Oh hey look, there's Homura,” Sayaka said. Kyoko tried to turn her head, but it was easier just to turn her whole body... and fall to the ground. Then the lights turned dim. Then she fell asleep.

 

WEDDING DAY

T-MINUS 1:11

 


	11. Chapter Six Chapter Six - There she is!

 

Chapter Six – Chapter Six

_I'm in that cosplay cafe again, dressed up as a femswapped version of the Winter Soldier from Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier, in theaters April 4, 2014. Today there aren't as many customers for some reason, which normally would be a good thing since I'm paid salary, but that doesn't matter anyway since I'm asleep and all. Now it just means I get to stand around bored, like most chapters of this story, and wait for a few customers to show up. Slowly, those that trickle in leave just as well, until the cafe becomes emptier than a Nickelback concert at 8 in the morning._   
_I turn around and survey all the empty tables. A couple still have dirty dishes on them, so I guess that's something to do. However when I walk up to one of the tables I find a bill, and underneath... a ton of cash. The first tip I’ve ever gotten, which is awesome. Further still underneath is a hand-written note:_

_“Dear Loli Lovely,_

_If you're reading this, then you've passed all the tests I have to offer. You are now a true woman. I am so proud of you. Now go out and make things happen. Make daddy happy._

_Sincerely,_   
_ANTEPENULTIMATUM”_

_Antepenultimatum... What does that-- OH CRAP!_

WEDDING DAY  
T-PLUS 0:06

Kyoko jumped to her feet, jolting into consciousness. She looked around her and found that she was still next to the refreshments table. No sign of Sayaka, though. Music was playing on the nearby electric organ. Was it playing... Take Me Out to the Ball Game? ...Nah. Well, it looked like the wedding had already started. Homura was already up on the stand next to the minister, who was definitely also the judge at Sayaka's trial. At this point the ridiculousness of the situation didn't even faze her.  
The judge, er, minister (No he's totally the judge) recited the phrases commonly heard in weddings with a furious blaze of loudness. “We are gathered here today to bear witness to the greatest marriage between two magical girls that has ever been and ever will be.”  
“Hey!” Nanoha and Fate stood up in anger. Dozens of other couples followed suit.  
“Silence,” the judge commanded with a most awesome fury. “Or I will hold you in contempt of the court. Do you understand me?” They all sat down very quickly. Nobody had the heart to tell the judge he wasn't in a criminal trial. Meaning, their hearts wouldn't have been able to withstand the shockwave of anger from the judge that would surely follow.  
“Now, where was I? Ah yes. These two Japanese teenage girls will be married under the highest court of Mexican law there is, and their bond will remain so for the rest of eternity. Because divorce is illegal in Mexico.” Kyoko gasped. Not really, because it wasn't that shocking a revelation. Where was Madoka, though? She wasn't up on stage but the generic wedding stuff had already begun. From the (blank, nonexistant, expressionless) look on her face, Homura wasn't worried so it just meant the ceremony was happening in an unorthodox manner. Guess the author didn't care to research weddings, either? Wow, good going, you lazy ass.  
As the judge blabbed on about more droll ceremonial stuff (albeit with amazing power and ferocity), Kyoko snuck around the wedding area, scouting out an empty seat. Man, it was a full house. Bob Saget was here, even! Argh, how was she going to make her grand entrance if she couldn't first be in a completely inconspicuous spot? Well, she'd have to make due, then. Makes you wish she got here a couple hours later than she really did, huh. She could have pulled a Princess Bride and fooled a bunch of guards and killed some eleven-fingered dude and shit.  
Finally, some royal trumpets played a jovial tune. There she was; Madoka Kaname, followed closely behind by Maid of Honor Sayaka Miki, who was apparently trying to double as flower girl as she tossed Sakura leaves at everyone. Behind her was the ringbearer, Madoka's little brother Tatsuya. Madoka wore an elegant dress, pure white (besides the pink) and sparkling brightly (this was an exaggeration). Her hair was let down rather than the normal twintails, which looked amazing on her. And to top it all off, she was wearing her sheriff star along with it all, to prove that even at her own wedding she would not stop fighting crime.  
Kyoko's heart beat faster than an atheist meth addict at the Republican National Convention. This... This was it. No going back. Madoka walked up onto the stage and glanced at Homura, who made no visual response, only blinking to acknowledge Madoka's existence. Kyoko jumped down into prone position and crawled her way over to the base of the stage. However her plan failed as dozens of guests saw her and were watching her attempt at covert action instead of the wedding.  
“Pssst... Sayaka!” Kyoko whispered as loudly as she could. Sayaka looked down at the girl and gave a blank stare, her mouth ever so slightly ajar. It took several moments before she registered all this information and replied. When she did, all she did was wave. Kyoko punched her shin. “Sayaka! Why did you spike the punch and make me pass out!”  
“It had to be done,” Sayaka said. She didn't bother to whisper. “I did it for your sake and the sake of everyone else. Sake for everyone!” It was astounding how much alcohol one fourteen year old girl could consume. “I didn't realize you'd pass out like that. I was ready for a great time at this wedding but you ruined it by having a crappy tolerance level.”  
“Sigh,” Kyoko said.  
“Yep,” Sayaka replied.  
The two sat in silence for a moment, before Kyoko remembered there was an utterly urgent event going on right now. The judge was still grumbling on at a dangerously intense dB level, so it wasn't quite time to make the climactic appearance that would inevitably kick off the final battle. So she would wait for a few minutes longer.  
“blah blah blah holy matrimony”  
…  
“blah do you part blah blah”  
…  
“sacred blah blah vows blah”  
… Screw this.  
Kyoko sprang up onto the stage and stomped. The metal clang against her foot resonated against the entire ceremony, and all went silent. The judge stopped, and the dancing lobsters subsided once more.  
“Who are you?” The judge roared.  
“Kyoko Sakura,” she stated. “I have to tell Madoka something!” Madoka raised an eyebrow.  
“What is it, girl?” he questioned, his voice an ultimatum against all silence in the universe.  
Kyoko took a deep breath. “Madoka Kaname... I.. I can't let you be married to Homura Akemi!” Not exactly what she thought she was going to say, but it worked well enough. Homura began to stare intently into Kyoko's eyes, her expression unchanged.  
Madoka tried to stammer out some words. “I--”  
Homura interrupted. “She has to be married, Kyoko, or the plan will not succeed.”  
“But... Why does she have to marry you?” Kyoko pointed at her to increase the intimidation factor. It didn't seem to work, but Homura was at least silent for a second, trying to come up with an answer.  
Finally, Homura stepped forward, raised her hand... And slapped Kyoko. “Don't do this,” she whispered in a growl that made no attempt to conceal her anger. “I'm so close, so close. I thought you would understand by now...”  
“No! You don't realize. This is all a setup by Kyubey. He's been plotting this ever since I was exiled, trying to turn us all against each other so we could all turn into witches! There are no hordes of enemy witches coming to this party, just us potential witches. If you call off the wedding we can stop all of this.”  
“Hahahahaha!” Homura laughed the most fear-inducing laugh Kyoko had heard since the dub of Death Note. “You were so close. So close to correct. However...” Homura's eyes flashed red. Her entire body glowed white and shrunk down. What remained was an all-too-familiar face. “You missed one crucial element, Ms. Sakura. I AM Kyubey.”


	12. Chapter Six Chapter Seven - What a Twist!

Chapter Six – Chapter Seven

 

“You missed one crucial element. I AM Kyubey.

What. “What.”

“I've always been a decent shapeshifter, so when I found Sayaka and Madoka, I decided to test how well I could destroy these young girls' lives. And that is how 'Homura Akemi' was born. You and Mami were simply added bonuses.”

“You're... You've always been Homura?” Kyoko asked.

“Every second. The time travel stuff... That was all a lie by the way. I'm good at that.”

“Yeah that's your speciality.”

Madoka turned her head downwards in realization. “You mean... I... We... But... Ewwwwwww!”

“The original plan was to create a seeming love triangle and break everyone's friendships apart,” Kyubey said. “However, once I realized that Madoka did not love me as I thought, it became much simpler. The marriage itself will be her undoing; the greatest witch of all time will be born!”

“You're an asshole,” Kyoko retorted.

“Touche.” Retort successful.

The judge eyed Kyubey suspiciously for a second. His composure then reaffirmed itself and his blasting words made themselves clear. “It is obvious now that this wedding cannot occur,” his voice sang out in a burst of kinetic force. “It is illegal for a human to marry an animal, much less an alien animal. I will not allow this.”

“Well then,” Kyubey said. His eyes suddenly glowed blue and his bunny things, Madoka's red ribbons tied around them, shook and rose up, pointing towards the sky. Out of the dozens of colorfully silly gondolas came more Kyubeys. Thousands more. “It's always fortunate that I plan for even the most unlikely of circumstances!”

Kyoko pondered this statement. “Actually it was a pretty likely outcome when you think ab- ohohohoh!” Madoka pulled her away as a dozen Kyubeys jumped at her with their razor-sharp teeth ready to chomp.

Sayaka took one look at the situation and started walking away. “Yeah, this ain’t my problem. I’m gonna go make out with Kyosuke. HEY BRO C’MON!” And they left the wedding, just like that.

Regardless of this, Madoka was unhindered. “This is something only one woman can handle.” Madoka pulled out her pink sombrero and tossed it as Zeus would a bolt of lightning. It plowed across the stage and cut through thirty Kyubeys in one fell swoop, and then flew back into her hand. She put the sombrero on her head. “Sheriff Kaname of Mexico is ready for duty.”

In an instant, Madoka's bow was drawn, and she began firing pink beams of light at a rapid pace. Kyoko acted less swiftly but with much more force as she drew her lance-nunchuck thing and made a 360-degree swing around her body, destroying all nearby Kyubeys. One magic arrow flew towards Kyoko, but she deflected it at more Kyubeys, who were instantly fried.  

Kyoko bashed the butt of her weapon at a Kyubey behind her, but before it went down for good it grabbed hold of her ponytail. “Get it off! Get it off!” With marksman-like aim, Madoka shot it dead. Kyoko whipped her hair to swing it off. Her hair clip flew off as well, but she caught that. That… was important. She turned to face Madoka and thank her, and saw a heavy blush across her face. Then Kyoko realized her hair had fallen down. This wasn’t exactly good for combat, but she had to make do.

This battle continued for quite some time. The audience, which consisted mostly of magical girls already… Kind of just sat there. Kyoko got frustrated as she beat back this horde of hellspawn demon-cats and the guests did nothing.

“What are you guys doing?!” she barked.

Sakura raised her hand. “We don’t want to impede on your climax; if we all joined in it’d be too easy.”

“That’s… Really dumb, ok!” Kyoko struggled to find the right words to convey her sheer anger as she sliced four Kyubeys in half.

One of the thousand Cures now spoke. “Well consider that your enemy has just unleashed his final attack. That means he’s desperate, that he knows he’s about to lose.

“Am not,” said the glowing blue Kyubey in the center of the stage. The ribbons tied around his ears unfolded themselves and struck Madoka. They twisted around her neck and held her straight in the air.

“Ahh!” Madoka shrieked, gasping for breaths.

“Looks like you’re going to be strangled by the red string!” Oh no he didn’t. Only Kyoko could make puns that bad. She stopped fighting for a second to glare at his face, and he be nasty. She was immediately mauled by fifteen Kyubeys.

“Nooooooo!” Madoka reached her hand out and tried to shout, but she couldn’t manage it anymore. The sudden attack caught Kyoko off-guard, and she dropped her weapon, leaving her defenseless against the monsters.

As the Kyubeys bit at her relentlessly, all she could feel was pain, then sorrow-- she realized how worthless this whole journey, her whole life was--, then agony, then nothi

 


	13. Chapter Six Chapter Eight - Resolutions

 

Chapter Six - Chapter Eight

 

 

_It’s not a dream this time. I can see the wedding around me. There’s the main Kyubey, still holding Madoka within his grip. And there’s the wedding guests, looking at me wearily. It seems I am floating now, about thirty feet high. I can no longer control my body as it begins attacking the guests with dark-purple magic. They scream and begin to scatter, but I cannot hear much of anything, as if I am underwater. Guess that means I’m a witch, then._

_Actually kind of peaceful like this. No it’s not a dream, but it feels like one. Everything happens on autopilot, and I get to watch however I want. I hope I don’t kill anybody, but if I do, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I have no worries._

_Kyubey’s words finally make sense. I can finally understand the cycle of fighting witches and becoming witches… It really is important. My contribution to the incubators is greater than anything else I’ve done in my life. The universe will live days longer than it would have, all because of me. This is what makes me happy._

_I see Madoka escape from Kyubey, ripping the ribbons off of her neck. It was a struggle but she did it, and now she is running towards me, yelling things and crying her eyes out. Maybe she will join me? I bet she will be a mighty powerful witch. Even moreso than me. But no, instead of this she shoots a magic arrow at me. I feel nothing, but my body shakes somewhat. One of my own beams is a fair return, right? Hopefully, because that is what my own body gives her. It knocks the bow out of her hands, and she cries more fiercely than ever. She shouts something, and-- Wait. I can hear it. I can hear her. I can hear her?_

_“Kyoko! Please turn back to normal! You have the sexiest body around!”_

_My body begins to shake again. I can feel it this time. A bright golden glow exudes from me. No… I begin to glow a golden hue.. No…. I start glowing and shit. Yes. Yes! I’m… Free!_

 

Kyoko dropped to the ground, healed by the Power of Friendship! Madoka rushed over and kneeled over her. She was badly beaten and barely conscious, but she was safe.

“So… Compliments really are the best secret magical girl powers, huh…?” Kyoko said in a faint voice. She raised her hand from the ground and gently rubbed Madoka’s cheek. “I love you… You know… that?” Her hand fell, too weak to stay up that long.

Madoka leaned further in and kissed her on the right cheek. “You’re so silly,” she giggled. “This isn’t a funeral or anything. You’re not going to die.”

“Sure… feels like it.”

“I won’t let that happen. If you tell me it’s wrong to hope, I’ll tell you you’re wrong every time. Because… I love you too.” Madoka blinked, and suddenly Kyoko was fully conscious. Wow. She sat up and planted her lips on hers. This moment felt like an eternity; nothing had ever made her feel this way, not even Homura (Kyubey?). She knew Kyoko was the one, and together they would destroy all entropy.

“Let’s go kill some Kyubeys,” Kyoko said, jumping into the air and stomping on a few of the buggers. Even without her lance-nunchuck thing she was still a very capable hand-to-hand combatant. Madoka smiled a hopeful smile and drew her bow once more. Her first shot took out two Kyubeys at once, both direct headshots. Her second bounced off one Kyubey and exploded in a crowd of ten more. Her third shot hit next to the glowing blue Kyubey. He blinked; the shockwave must have hit him slightly.

“Hey Kyoko!” Madoka shouted. “I think that Kyubey in the center is controlling all the other ones! If we kill him all of them will stop!”

“So he’s basically the Trade Federation, and we’re Anakin?” Kyoko asked sarcastically. Madoka enjoyed her annoyingly odd pop culture references, but this was not a very good time.

“Shut up and kill him!” Madoka fired arrow after arrow at him, but each one bounced off. Some kind of energy field. Kyoko threw a few punches, but she couldn’t break through either; they needed something stronger. After four or five hits she turned around and defended herself against the hundreds of Kyubeys aiming to kill her (again).

“I wish--” She stepped on one’s tail and kicked it away “We could attack this guy without--” She caught it and threw it into the canal “All these other guys!” The Kyubey jumped out of the canal and made for a direct opening towards Kyoko, but stopped suddenly on account of the pink magic laser going through his chest.

“They’re guarding him too well,” Madoka said. “We can only hit him a few times before we have to concentrate on them again!”

“It’d be great if we could just trample them all at once,” Kyoko said. Wait. A florescent lightbulb appeared above her head… and then fell to the ground and busted into a thousand pieces. “Madoka I have an idea!”

“I hope it’s better than the one you just had,” she said as she looked at the lightbulb’s remains.

“Honestly I have no idea what the hell is up with that. But I do know--” Kyoko jumped into the air and summoned her hammerspace powers to pull out a special weapon-- a decabear of honey. “--that I brought you a wedding gift!!” She kicked it and it hit the stage at an insane velocity. It rolled down the stage and flattened more Kyubeys than.. uhh… Madoka wasn’t as good at these funny comparisons as Kyoko. But it was a lot. When it hit the main Kyubey’s force field, it predictably… Crushed him too. Within an instant the remaining Kyubeys began to expand, swelling larger, and larger, and larger, until…. POP!

White demon cat guts were spread all over the scene of the wedding. It was like Christmas, except instead of snow it was alien corpses, and with Santa as an attractive young redhead. There were still presents, though. Madoka could really go for a Christmas like this sometime. Hey, she made a good comparison! At least… She thought so.

Although Madoka was covered in Kyubeygoop™, Kyoko still jumped into her arms the moment it was all over. They locked lips and held each other tightly. Finally.

 


	14. Chapter Seven - Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

The Kyubeygoop™ cleared out soon after the battle, seemingly evaporating into the air. Most all the guests fled the battle after Kyoko became a witch, not because they weren’t capable fighters but to prevent this story from becoming essentially Super Smash Sisters: Magical Anime Boogaloo. Sayaka came back after a while, though Kyosuke was nowhere to be found. This was concerning.

Madoka and Kyoko stood next to the decabear of honey, hand in hand. Madoka picked up the red ribbons from the ground and put them back in her hair. They were a present from her mother, and she would never give them up for good. Nope. Never.

“Where did you get such a big jar of honey, anyway?” Madoka asked.

“Long story.” Kyoko said. “Looooooong story. Nah just kidding I bought it from Don Patch.”

“You mean from Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow!” Madoka was in awe that she knew such a celebrity. Kyoko wore a smile that was extra-proud. “Wait a minute, weren’t you--”

“Subject change.” Kyoko pointed at the judge, who was for some reason walking up the stairs to the stage. He came up to them and stood. A silent moment passed before Kyoko spoke up. “Sir?”

“I was hired to administer a wedding,” the judge boomed. “Is this still a truth?” Madoka and Kyoko turned their heads toward each other.

“Do you?” They asked each other simultaneously. They giggled and performed the incontrovertible headbutt of love.

“I do,” they said together.

“...That was fast,” the judge said. Wait, said? Wow. “Have a nice life, then.” And that was the last they ever saw of him.

“It feels nice being Madoka Sakura, huh?” Kyoko asked.

“Uhh… No, we are totally the Kanames.”

“What? No, my name is way more badass!”

“But… If I’m a Sakura then… I don’t want to be a Naruto character, Kyoko…”

Kyoko groaned. “Ugh, fine. I’ll be Kyoko Kaname then. It’s a cool alliteration anyway.”

Madoka waltzed over to the wrecked pile of wedding presents and picked one up. It was still in good condition, luckily. She handed the present to Kyoko, who looked very confused.

“This is for you,” she said. “I was going to give you a present for being such a good friend all these years, but I guess now it’s a wedding present too.” Kyoko opened it to reveal… a large red sombrero-- the most kickin’ present of all time-- and immediately put it on. Best day ever.

Suddenly, Sayaka ran up to the base of the stage with a huge camera on a tripod. “Guys I’m still Maid of Honor right??”

“Yes, Sayaka,” Madoka laughed.

“Then I’m gonna take the best photographs and Maid of Honor can ever take ever. Now pose!” They posed. “Say cheese~” Sayaka pressed the button and ran into the picture, just in time to make it into the background.

  


“Wow,” Kyoko exclaimed. “It’s beautiful. This will be the best marriage ever.”

“Yep. And as Sheriff Kaname and her new Deputy Kaname, we will keep Mexico safe from crime forever!” They high-fived. It was awesome.

 

The end. See the further Adventures of the Kanames in **CARRIBBEAN RIM** , coming…. After I see the third Madoka movie sometime.

 


End file.
